My head has been in a strange place, recently.
I’ve decided i like the doc i work with. It took a while to come to this conclusion because she is hard to read. But after two years now i think i “get” her better than before and am satisfied.
She recently suggested i not come to OC weekly anymore.
Wow. I don’t know exactly what was behind this suggestion, but it is powerful – and negative. I understand why she might say it – the prep and coming down every week adds a lot of difficulty to my life. However, i gain a lot thru it, too. (I’ve had friends make this suggestion before and i’ve always rejected it out of hand.)
It feels like giving up coming to OC is, well, giving up. I’m a bit dismayed the doc suggested this for it feels like she’s saying she doesn't think she can help me. Certainly, in the two years i’ve been working with her my functioning has decreased. There is no where in bb that i can do the work i do in OC, so, essentially i would be giving up working.
Now, if it comes to this there will be compensations.
It might happen for reasons entirely unrelated to me. Duane’s job has been, um, flakey, for a while now. We are hanging on reasonably well and continue to enjoy our lifestyle with little change. However, if the job ends and Duane ultimately ends up doing something else, life will become very different. The only reason this works now is because we come down together. I cannot drive myself, and i can’t stay in OC for five days at a time.
So, if i no longer came to OC, i would be looking at doing things differently in BB. I might raise chickens. We could get a dog. I would be better able to come to OC on weekends for family events (maybe). I would have to structure my life more for some functionality, because right now my life is pretty unstructured and i don’t feel like i accomplish much.
But i’m still hoping for more functioning – i’m not ready to give up yet! I had improved functioning on some supplements last year (but my energy went up – and crashed – like a rocket). I need to titrate the supplements for a slow, steady increase. I’ve also heard of a couple of different treatments to try. I discussed them with Duane and he is willing for me to give them a try. I also try to balance my talking of this – no one wants to hear of my woes over and over, and i certainly get tired of talking about it. Yet it so impacts and impairs my life – it is hard to ignore.
So much more has happened. We’ve had a very early spring.
I had another s.ei.zure a couple of days before i had company arrive. That was a disappointment. OTOH, i didn’t injure myself too much this time, only bit thru my tongue. It happened in the shower again, when i was stressed and had not had enough water.
My parents and both sisters were out for a short visit the second weekend in April. It was a good visit, but difficult, too. One of my sisters sees most attempts at discussion as confrontation, and the rest of us were walking on eggshells not to cause problems. This trip was for the celebration of my parents’ 55th wedding anniversary and none of us wanted to do anything that would injure our reason for being together.
(My family - Duane, his parents, my parents, and my sisters.)
Recovery from this visit underlined how much i’ve lost in functioning. Even during the visit i was stuck in a recliner for a couple of afternoons; i could not do much at all. My body just would not cooperate.
A lot of other things have happened, or my brain has been focused on weird stuff, but that will wait for another time.