Don't like to think about this day

Today is Mother’s Day.  Apropos of nothing.  It still hurts.  There is still nothing i can do about it.  A friend posted this at FB for me, tho.  I thought it very sweet.

My SIL got a very fancy book of her wedding pics.  I was really hoping there would be one of Duane and me.  We walked down the isle together and i was hoping that we'd have a good pic of us together together.  

(So here is my favorite from the photo shoot at church for the Church Directory.  No, this isn't the directory pic.)

Actually, there are almost no pics of me at all from that wedding.  Which, frankly, is a good thing.  I'm in a few pics, and in every one i look very grim.  I hated that wedding, i hated being part of it, i was uncomfortable nearly every minute of the whole time.  I was just trying to endure it, and my face showed it in the few pics i'm part of.  I thought that as time passed the feeling would pass, too, but it has not. 

Agatha Christie wrote a book in the 70s called "The Mirror Cracked."  The title is from a poem called "The Lady of Shalott."  But the premise behind the book is a lady, very kind, well-meaning lady, who never reads other people.  She would do what she considered the right thing to do, never considering the wants/needs/ desires of the other person.  In the book this gets her killed.

I find my SIL very much like that.  She is never unkind.  She is gentle.  But she never considers what other people might want or think.  The whole wedding was that way.  She was NEVER unkind, purposefully.  She was not a "Bridezilla" in any way.  But the comfort of anyone else was never considered (i could go on about this for a long time).  

This week she and BIL and nephew were at my IL's house.  She started laundry at 6.15 in the AM - in the room right next to us.  It is loud. I know perfectly well that if i would mention it to her, her response would be entirely puzzled, and a bit apologetic.  "Oh, did that wake you?  I'm sorry."  But saying anything to her will never make a difference.  She might think to wait a day, or do it in the evening another time, but she might not.  And making her aware of it now will never change her behavior for something similar in the future.  She simply never considers another person when she makes decisions.  

I want to care for her - for Duane's brother, for his brother's step-son, but i find it really hard.  They are making a lot of choices that are going to cost them a LOT in the future (like watching a train-wreck about to happen and being able to do nothing to stop it).  I find that there is nothing i can do to help or make a difference.  It hurts me now, it will hurt in the future, and i can't stop it.  They don't want to hear about it.  Caring is costing far too much.  

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I saw a new doc a week ago.  I found it difficult.  I was nervous and not communicating well.  He recommended some tests and treatment that i can't possibly do; we simply don't have the money to do them.  I was feeling despair as i felt he wasn't going to recommend anything at all.  I've been steadily getting worse in the past few months and i'm almost desperate to do something to help me improve.  

He then said he could recommend something similar to the expensive one, but that it would not work as quickly, and that it wasn't as "aggressive."  My response was that, frankly, given my current functioning, i don't think my body could handle aggressive treatment anyway.  So i bought the supplements.

It didn't feel like they were making a difference.  The last time i had a good reaction, it was like a rocket-ship taking off, and the crash was like that, too.  I think they are making a difference, but so slowly i wasn't really aware of it.  Wed. night a mama in my knit group brought her baby.  She's a sweet thing and i had so much fun with her.  She only weighs 13 pounds, but i was able to play with her much longer than i was able to handle Duane's cousins' baby (weighing about the same) last fall.  I was very, very tired the next day, but i recovered.  Then i had one of my girls here Friday and i was able to work much of the afternoon with her.  And on Sat. we had folks over for dinner and i did quite a lot then, too.  Now i've rested most of today, but this is an improvement.  A month ago just one of those things would have worn me out in about 1/2 hour and i would have had to spend a lot of time recovering.

So, i'm hopeful!  :)

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Spring is here?

We had snow last weekend, and i was quite worried for our trees, especially the apple, but it seems to have survived and we have a loot of blooms on it.  Hopefully we will have apples again this year.  

The past 12 months have been unusual for the mountains.  We are having a second year of early, very warm spring.  But not as warm as down the hill!  I just saw a post that Costa Mesa is 95F.  That is summer weather, and we are just barely into May.  It was quite hot when we were down this week.  I found it difficult to tolerate.

i had been trying to be "dairy free" for a couple of weeks the end of April.  I found it a trial.  I know several friends who have improved being both dairy- and gluten/grain- free.  I manage the grains okay (usually, i cheat from time to time), but i find no cheese, butter, and cream a real challenge.  I'm not much of a "foodie."  I have certain things i like, of course, but i don't live to eat and would be pretty happy if i could manage, somehow, by being anorexic for the rest of my life.  

Which means, since i strongly believe that regaining my health and maintaining Duane's begins in the kitchen, i have to fight my natural inclinations when it comes to food.  

Still i see, every day, new reminders on Facebook of how well most people do with the Wheat Belly diet (which is largely grain- and sugar- free), and i see none of those benefits for me.  Well, that is not entirely true.  I have much less pain and almost no migraines these days, so i do benefit, but i was not seeing the weight loss i so dearly want.  Dairy-free was suggested to me as the next step.  I found it difficult, and it is my opinion, if you have to eat it just is not worth it without (healthy) dairy - butter, cream, cheese.

I think i may have lost a couple of pounds while dairy-free, because my "set weight" now for a while has been 172-174 lbs, and nothing much seems to change that.  I didn't weigh myself doing dairy free, but my first day of this new thing my weight was lower than it has been in a while.

This is me, with my two sisters, in early April, right before i started the dairy-free torture.

But last week i began an new program called, The Plan, by Lyn-Genet Recitas.  It seems to be an elimination program of sorts.  The underlying idea is that each person has different things to which their bodies react.  Poor reactions lead to inflammation in the body, which means the body retains weight.  In fact, she says that "healthy food" like oatmeal, salmon, and Greek yogurt are some of the foods to which most (not all) people react.  Learning which foods cause reaction and eliminating them can help facilitate weight loss.  After a period of time (3 to 6 months), you can try re-introducing things to which you reacted to see if your body has healed and will now accept it.  

So, today is day 8 of that. In the first 7 days i lost 4 lbs, from 169.9 to 165.8.  I've lost another pound now on day 8.  This plan does seem to work. I should be shouting and jumping, huh?  Well, one, this is only 1/10th of what i want to lose, so i've only just begun.  Second, i don't find this at all easy.  And because of that i am essentially not following the plan.

I did follow it pretty strictly for the first 3 days, which is the "detox" phase.  I did feel a little like i was detoxing - achey and a bit like i had mild flu.  I also did not - at all - like my food choices.  At one point about the third day, i was thinking if i had the choice to eat like that for the rest of my life and feel better, or be sick and not eat that, it would be a really hard choice.  

But i did find that i liked a couple of things when i was able to add things back in.  First off, one of the big majors is a toasted flax seed.  I do not like it as a "cereal" for breakfast - i don't eat cereal.  But i DO like it added to salads some or eaten like a toasted cracker.  Second, i found that blueberries and soft goat cheese are quite nice together.  

As i said, i'm not following the plan now - her suggestions for meals and what to "test" each day.  However, i'm following the plan in theory - eating only what i've already shown to work for me, and testing something new each day or every other day.  And so far it seems to be working, even tho i'm not following HER plan.  (She discourages what i'm doing because she says her meal plans are properly balanced.)  

I disagree with her on quite a lot of things.  I won't be adding grains.  I did one day of rice, and it was a mistake.  Anytime her advices disagrees with Wheat Belly, i'll go with WB/Dr. Davis.  She is also really down on salt.  Her recommendation follows the RDA.  I agree that processed food contains far too much processed/white salt.  BUT sea salt or other unprocessed salts are much healthier.  Also, if a person is getting proper nutrition with balanced amounts of salt/sodium, potassium, magnesium, and much more then salt intake isn't such a problem.

Anyway, i'm giving it a try!  

I also saw new doc this week, but i'll save it for another time.

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