Monday, Monday

I did quite a lot today.  I hope i don't pay for it the rest of the week!

We are expecting a huge snow storm over the next few days, to start right about the time we leave tomorrow.  They say we could have 2 feet of snow and that the levels can drop to 2,000 feet.  That will make returning home interesting.

Duane is attending the funeral of the slain San Bernardino officer on Thursday, so this is going to take some planning.

I'm starting a new supplement tomorrow that supposedly has had miraculous results for folks in many different ways.  I'm hoping.  It isn't cheap, but if it could help me do more, it certainly would be woth it.

So here's a pic of what's expected.  :)

Duane has a snow training this coming weekend, tho, and they were hoping for snow.  So i think he'll have his wish.


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Negativity

A few weeks ago, Mali wrote a post entitled Grey Lives of Continual Sadness. 

I relate to that title very well, although her point is that people who do not have children, but wanted them, can move beyond that and live fulfilling lives.

I think the problem for me is that i do see much of my life as grey and continually sad.  

BUT i have to remember that this is a choice.  I just haven't found a way to move beyond where i am now.  

I have spent hours and hours and hours online looking at and reading the stories of children who are available for adoption.  On occasion i even think, "We could do that."  And then i get out of bed.  When we are home, i barely have the energy to sit up and hardly enough to cook.  I do have a fair amount of energy when we are in OC every week, but then it is spent and i have nothing left.  How on earth would we manage with children?  Of course, even that is a choice.  We have patterned our lives in a way that would be difficult to have children.  If we wanted to make severe changes to our lives (Duane taking a higher paying job so that we could hire household help; me giving up my work and staying home; Duane would probably have to be gone most of the week), then we could do it.  

Still, i have an issue with people who tell me if we don't have children then it is the result of our own choices.  Of course it is, but that makes it sound so clean and simple when the reality of that choice is messy and painful and twisted.  

There really is only one verse in all the Bible that clearly says, "Children are a gift from God."  Psalm 127, vs 3-5.  The Bible says that the man who has a quiverful is blessed.  I frequently tell people at Facebook that they are blessed with their family.  Sometimes i say this to keep from saying something more bitter.  They do not deserve to be on the receiving end of my bitterness.  But every time i say this, the thought occurs, "You are blessed.  We are not.  God blessed you, we are not so blessed."  Of course, this doesn't fit my theological beliefs, but it comes up anyway.   

I have always loved the movie, It's a Wonderful Life.   I watched it after Christmas.  This year was a difference, however.  I couldn't help but wonder what the difference is in the world because we didn't have our children.  They were never born.  It is a pointless thought, of course, but i couldn't help but wonder all the same.  

Life itself is pretty skewed and rather dark.  Children are born to people who do not want them, who abuse them, who twist them to grow up and be blunted shadows of what they should be or people who have no sense of right and wrong.  We often rail against the unfairness of life, and it is abundant.  

As an aside, i don't post about my wonderful, delightful husband at FB.  At least, not one of those "If you love your husband, etc., etc., then repost this."  I also do not post such things about Jesus or my sisters or my cousins or anyone else.  It isn't that i don't appreciate them.  It is that i know how much i ache when i see someone post such things about their son/daugher/children/family, and i don't want to cause such pain to someone else.  I know several people who know how blessed i am and would deeply desire to have someone like Duane in their lives.  I don't want to rub it in their faces!  Well, i don't repost the Jesus ones because they are so manipulative.

Besides, i strongly feel that if you feel that way about someone in your life, you should be telling them directly, not brag about it on FB.  

We ARE blessed.  I was listening to a podcast the other day by Bitter Infertiles.  They were talking about how some women throw away what they do have in pursuit of a child.  I do not want to lose or damage the blessings i have now in the futile desire for more.

I still do not want to live a life without children, but i have to accept that i will not be "mama."  I have been searching for someone who might need some support - a single mama who wants some time to herself now and then, and we can borrow her child/children.  It isn't as easy to find as you would think.    

Today and yesterday, my negative posts for the month.  I'm ready to move on to something cheerful.

501

Post number 500

It seems strange that i have done 500 now.  I think i had a glitch in my brain a few days back and was in denial about this.  I was numbering these posts in the 200s instead of the 400s.  

I know i had read blog posts here and there over the years, but i really didn't understand the concept.  So i first read a blog, i mean really read it and connected, in January 2009 when a friend shared her daughter's blog. It was focused on their results with the South Beach Diet.  I was taken in and devoured it in reading, although part of me felt like i was "spying" on their lives.  I tried to find that blog yesterday, and it has been removed.  

Then, at about the same time and in searching for an old professor, i came across Kathi's blog Just Visiting Here. Again i was fascinated, reading older posts.  And again i felt like i was "spying" but eventually came to see that if someone chooses to publicly post info and writing on line, then it isn't exactly spying.  

So i began a blog.  I was quite prolific in the early days and i worked hard to develop readership, too.  I read a lot of blogs, and tried to comment more often.  That doesn't come very naturally to me unless i really connect with the post.  I lived by the stats and was excited to see new people come. I never ran into the problems i know others have had, having a troll come and be cruel in comments.  Still, i was at times hurt by comments.  There was one, early on, that pierced me even tho i know the writer had good intent. 

When i first began writing, i had great hope we would still have children.  I had lost our last pregnancy just six months before.  That hope is gone, of course, and i struggle to find a way to live a life without them.  In reading over a little of what i wrote back then, i don't see much change in me these past 4 years.  I'm still "struggling to accept" and still wondering what worth my life might have.   In fact, in many ways my thoughts and internal life have not changed one whit in many, many years.

And my functioning has consistently decreased in the past four years.  I used to be able do all the driving to and from Orange County.  Now i often do none at all.  I have driven that trip (alone) twice in the past two years.  It doesn't show.  I don't want pity.  I just wish people understood a bit better.  When i go out, i have the energy to "look normal."  But i pay for that and people don't see how i'm having to push myself at times and the results of that are a couple of days in bed.   Even a friend of mine with fibromyalgia doesn't get it.  She has a lot of pain, but she has the energy to be out with other people most of the time.  Usually i don't have the pain, but my body won't function to be up and doing things.  Most of my life at home is in bed or the recliner.   

Because i kept saying the same things over and over, i rather stopped posting much these last 2 years.  Who would want to read my negativity, anyway?

Duane and i do work hard at living a life of gratitude.  I started a "gratitude jar" last summer.  I wrote something for which i was thankful each day.  On January 1st i read them to Duane.  But a gratitude jar is really meant for a family, so that each person can add to it as they wish.  And i came across some slips recently that i'd done in OC and they never made it to the jar.  So i decided a journal made more sense.  I have a book in which i write those things, often mundane, that make up our lives.  

I've a lot more thoughts on that, but guess i'll save it for another day.  

I wish i had a more exciting post for number 500.   




500

Valentine's Day

They say Dorner has been confirmed by dental records.  We saw very little police presence on our way home.  A bit more than usual, but not too much.  The road leading down the where it ended is closed and TV vans are around it.

----------------------------------------------

We don't celebrate Valentine's Day, beyond a morning greeting.  There were beautiful roses available at the health food store, and i considered buying some but did not.  I couldn't be given candy anyway as i'm not eating sugar (tho i sure wish candy to not be so unhealthy!).  And i don't care much for jewelry, except my wedding ring.  

Duane has a true and complete hatred of the day.  He says that it is expecting people/men to perform impossible tasks to prove their love.  He shows his love daily and won't leap to a schedule set by other people in the name of proving his love.

I understand this, and accept it.  I'm blessed with a loving husband each and every day.

It has always been my dream to be given flowers, tho.  I don't say this to him, because he thinks it is a waste of money.  He did buy me a pot of daisies a couple of years ago because he knows i like daisies best.  I do.  And a pot of flowers growing lasts longer than cut flowers.  

Yet, somehow i really would treasure being given roses.  

When i was married the first time, he didn't give me flowers, either.  I wanted them so and said it often enough that one day he brought home a mess from the street vendor, the cheapest available and wilting and dried out.  

"Here,"  he said.  "I did it.  Now be happy."  

Well, of course that didn't work, but he never heard about flowers from me again.  I learned that when you nag someone into doing something, there is no joy in the result.  

That marriage ended long ago.  But i'm glad i learned the lesson.   Pushing for it will never work.  And i now have a marriage in which to rejoice, even if my every heart's desire isn't on the table.

So, to those of you who do celebrate, Happy Valentine's Day. 


499

Life is Strange

Christopher Dorner was probably cornered yesterday, and died.  They won't confirm it until they are sure.

If you have caught the news at all, you have seen the area where we live and the road we travel every week.  We were about 2-3 hours ahead of the madness yesterday.  If we had been delayed, we would not have made it down.  Duane's mama is kind of freaking out because she thinks he was near to where Dorner was hiding, but Duane was not part of the manhunt.

These pics are from that drive, not far from where the whole thing ended.  

There isn't too much snow on the road now, but there was quite a bit on Friday/Saturday.  Dorner had been highly evaluated as someone who would be able to evade the police.  It is true he was hiding out for five+ days within site of the command post.  I don't understand his choices, and all i can say is when he original plan failed, i think he didn't have others in place to take over and his critical-thinking skills were pretty lacking at that point.  

I think it is very sad what happened all the way around.  I think he probably had legitimate problems with the LAPD, but his choices were the worst possible and innocent people were hurt.  The LAPD is not looking good at all as a result, especially when they panicked and harmed civilians.  Dorner was quite clear that he didn't want to hurt civilians.  

I'm not surprised if he is dead (i think he probably is).  I didn't see any way for him to come out of this alive because it was pretty clear he wouldn't give himself up.  I'm sad about the whole affair.  

I can honestly say that i wasn't frightened at any point.  And to a degree i don't understand Duane's mama's fright.  Each of us, every day, probably come closer to death than we ever know, and yet, here we are.  I love Duane with all my heart and each time he leaves the house for Sheriff's duties (volunteer, Search and Rescue) i say, "Have fun.  Be safe."  Duane wasn't hurt, nor were any others there actually in Big Bear (the final part of the drama was about 30 miles away).  I'm thankful and grateful.  Why panic now?


498

Down the Hill Day

I am a home body.  I don't like going out a whole lot.  Part of the reason i've joined knit groups in both Big Bear and Orange County is to force myself to get out more and be more social.  

Still, it actually hurts each week when we leave on Tuesday not to return until Thursday afternoon.  I love my job, and it would hurt to give that up, too.  It makes me feel as though i'm actually making a difference in the world.  And to give that up would be detrimental.  

But it is still very had for me to leave Sugarbear on Tuesdays.  

497

Minor Life Events

There is a stomach virus going around.  I've always thought that such things are related to contaminated food, but i guess this is airborne and easy to catch.  It hit me hard and out of the blue on Thursday night.  It didn't last long, maybe about 12 hours.  But my tummy was tender for a couple of days and i was working hard to try to be sure Duane didn't catch it.

One of the drawbacks of being an adult:  When you are sick and make a mess, you have to clean it up yourself.

I'm better now.  I did lose a couple of pounds while ill.  As weight loss is a goal, i can't complain about that.  

496

Strange Events

So Cal has had a killing spree, allegedly by Chris Dorner, a former Navy Seal and LAPD officer.  He has been going after folks, or the family of folks, he holds responsible for losing his LAPD job.

In a weird twist, on Thursday his vehicle was found burning in this area (about 5 miles from us as the crow flies, probably 8 by the road).  We have a huge manhunt going on here with something like 100 sheriff, police, marshall and FBI forces here.  Duane of course is not involved in this search.  They have used the Search and Rescue folks a little bit at the Command Post, tho.

We had a heavy snow Friday.  I think we got about 15 inches here.

I think Dorner is long gone.  I think he set the fire and left.  It is obvious he had this planned out in advance.  The fire is a diversion and has personnel focused on this area.  He is probably lying low somewhere else while they do a house to house search in this area.  Others think he might be dead, if he tried to live out this storm with no training.

I never felt any sense that we could possibly be in danger here, but Duane was diligent to check the house before he'd let me in, and to keep the doors locked.  He also talked about the amount of money the county is having to spend hosting this search.  San Bernardino County is the largest in square miles in California.  It doesn't have a huge population for the size, and is a County struggling more than most.  I hope they can wrap this up soon.

495

More on Attitude Change

When writing about attitude the other day, i came across this blog post:

CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE, CHANGE YOUR LIFE

by Justin W. Riggs

He provided such excellent recommendations:

I call these rules The Ten Principles of Personal Development.
They are, in no particular order:

  1.  Be loving toward everyone you meet
  2.  Forgive all who attempt to harm you
  3.  You become what you think
  4.  Look for ways to strengthen those who have less than you have
  5.  Always seek knowledge and truth
  6.  Always be honest
  7.  Never waste what you are given
  8.  Be grateful for all that you have
  9.  Develop a spirit of optimism
 10.  Have faith in something greater than yourself 

So I began to set one goal a month, doing my best to live one of the principles for 30 days or so.  I used The EASIER Method of Goal Achievement to pursue my goals.   

If you were trying to be more grateful using the EASIER method, you would:

  1.  Envision yourself being grateful for everything 

       that was given to you throughout the day
  2.  Assess your current levels of gratitude.  

       In what situations do you easily express your gratitude?  

       In what situations do you struggle?
  3.  Create a strategy that will allow you to be grateful more often.
  4.  Implement your strategy
  5.  Evaluate your progress as you go through the day's activities
  6.  Report your progress to someone you love and trust  

I know Christians say we can't do this on our own.  I don't argue with that, however, we are given free will.  Even Paul said, ". . . whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things."  (Philippians 4:8)

We have a choice in what we think about, focus on, how we react.  Gitz's moto was "Choose Joy."  If anyone on the face of this Earth had reason to complain, it was Sara.  However, each day she made the decision to "choose joy."

Time for me to join her on that.


494

A friend posted this on Facebook Tuesday:

When i was out looking for my lost dog last night, i found a cute, fat little beagle, who was obviously lost, too.  So i stopped and corralled the beagle and called the police who came and picked her up and took her to the humane society.  The beagle had no tags on so there was no way to contact her owners, and i knew at the humane society she would be well cared for until her owners came for her.  Fortunately, my dog Eddie had tags on so i knew whoever found her could contact me.  Well, this morning i get a call from a lady who had Eddie!  She found Eddie while she was out looking for her lost dog, a cute, fat little beagle . . .   

I think i enjoy this story more than anything else i've read recently.  Not sure why, but it makes me smile.  Thanks, Jan.

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