Quality of work

 One of the companies Duane works for has a number of different divisions, including one that sells the toys and accessories for RVs.  They sell these covers, large size, and wanted a small one for a display.  They had me make it (i was rather reluctant).  I did most of this, Duane (who manages pretty well on the sewing machine) put the top on it.  They then took it to a company that does the embroidery who added the logo info.  


They are getting ready to ship it off somewhere, and wanted to know if i want to go see the finished product before it goes.  Um, not really.


The truth is, i can see all the flaws in this thing.  I kind of dreaded making this, and procrastinated quite a while.  It came out okay, but that doesn't mean it meets professional standards.  What looks really good on this thing - to me anyway - is what i did not do, the embroidery. 


My mother taught me to sew, and she is professional in all the sewing she does.  So, when i make something, i usually see all the flaws rather than the assets.  


I'm very happy that Duane's company is pleased with this . . . thing, but, i have a hard time looking at it.  I know exactly what it should look like if it were professionally done, and this falls very short.  I guess they want a few of these.  I told Duane that i will try a second one, but that if that one doesn't meet "professional standards" in my eyes, i would prefer to recommend someone else.  I can think of at least 2 places that would do a good job with these.


He didn't understand this at all.  I could make a little pin money on the side.  I kept trying to explain, but he didn't get it until i said, "Sweetie, imagine you wrote a computer program that works.  It works.  It works just fine.  But it isn't perfect.  The margins don't line up.  The color isn't quite right.  It works, but it isn't right.  Tell me you wouldn't be bothered every time you opened that page.  Tell me you would not be bothered if it was just okay instead of really professional."


I could tell from his face he knew just exactly what i was saying.  I've seen him work hours and hours to make web pages of things look perfect, well designed, professional.

So, i don't know where this will go.  If i do something that will be taken to stores and used in displays, i want it to look right.  If i can't make it look right, then, please take it to someone who can!

I'd ask your opinion on this, and i'd be glad to hear it, but frankly, the way i feel about my work and the quality of my work is not something anyone can change.  It doesn't go by opinion!  There are some things in my life with which i'm fine with "okay." (How well the wood is stacked in the basket by the stove doesn't matter all that much.  "Smoothing up" the bed - at home, not my MIL's - is fine.  I'm not too perfectionistic about having the forks on the "proper" side when i set the table.  Sewing a shirt or clothing for myself, something that no one else will be examining, doesn't have to be perfect/professional. So many things just don't matter all that much.)  

There are other things that need to be done right!




404

Down the hill

Our low last night was 16F !  It was still pretty chilly when we left around 9 AM.  

The road down the hill was simply golden in places.  The live oaks turn a yellow/gold/bronze color.

This is from last year, but this year looks much the same.  There is one curve we take that every time we come upon it (this time of year) it simply takes my breath away.  It is stunning.  

 I had fun the other night, spending a lot of time looking at old things still available from the Vermont Country Store.    My granddad always loved the soft peppermint sticks they had, instead of the rock hard sticks that are more common.  So many other older things there too, formulations of shampoo from the 70s and those funky elves that are holding their knees.  A fun place to visit.


I'm thankful that we have such a beautiful drive up and down the mountain.  I'm so very thankful for that 2 hours each way that Duane and i have together.  I'm thankful that our kitties don't mind us being gone (in fact they seem to prefer us to be away - they get regular treats that way!)  

I first saw this over at Amrita's blog, but i think it is accurate.  I'm so thankful for bloggy friends.  And i am so thankful for each and every comment.  It makes my day that y'all would take the time to speak to me.  :)


I'm thankful that i can work, if only a little bit, and that where i work does appreciate what i do.  And i am very, very thankful that my certificate arrived in the mail this morning, so i don't have to wait another week to post it at work!  :)  It is a very pretty document.  I need to get a frame so i can hang it.  



403

Numbhead

I completely blanked on writing yesterday.  No other reason.  Of course, i could cheat and pre-date a post, but that is kind of missing the point.

I'm thankful that i'm not perfect (hah!)

The box packing evening went well.  I got a bit dizzy, walking around packing.  We packed 140+ boxes for the children (we ran out of some of the things, and they are storing the left overs for next year).  Duane came too, as it was a mix of men and women working.   It didn't take too long.  There must have been about 20 people there, so it went quickly.  

It was interesting that it was a mix of 2 churches working together on this, and they are both churches we've attended.  But not enough for me to sort them out and remember who attends which church. 

My only concern about what we did was the toothpaste.  They had a medium/medium small tube of toothpaste for most of the boxes (they ran out of that before we stopped packing).  If you've read me at all, you will know that i'm rabidly anti-fluoride.  I believe i have good reason to be.  But i didn't think to buy non-fluoride toothpaste when we were down the hill, and it is almost impossible to find in Big Bear; i wouldn't be able to find the quantity we would need; it would be expensive.  

So i kind of shrugged and thought, "I can't control everything.  I can't make people see my point of view.  I need to let go."


However, in thinking it over Saturday night, it occurred to me that we are sending these boxes to children overseas.  We don't know what kind of supervision these children will have, nor the situation they are in.  If these children are hungry, it is very likely they might eat that toothpaste.  And fluoride is very, very toxic.  So i did mention that concern to the organizing lady the next morning at church.  She seemed to appreciate the input (and had not thought about it).  It sounds possible that they will remove the toothpaste from the boxes.  (Or she may think i'm a crank and let it go.  I said what i needed to.)


I'm thankful that i'm awake (much too early) to watch the sunrise blush spread across the clouds north east of here.  


I'm thankful that when i wake, it is to the lovely sound of my husband sleeping deeply next to me.  And to have a "cat warmer" cuddled up, purring, against my leg.  I'm thankful that the house is warm and sound.  I'm thankful that the wood stove is working well and keeping the house warm when we use it.  (It isn't big enough or efficient enough to put out heat all night, tho.)  I'm thankful that while the cat has teeth and claws, he is only playful and not malicious.  


I'm thankful for the lovely way the church celebrated All Saints yesterday.  And the discussion it raised for Duane and me.  I'm thankful that we don't forget our loved ones who have died.  I'm thankful for memory.  I'm thankful that the churches we have been attending appear to be healthy and not terribly twisted.  

I'm thankful that the things of which Stephen King writes don't actually happen in our world.


I'm thankful for another chance to attend the knitting "group" (usually just 2 of us).  


Oh!  And i am so, so, so very thankful to have received an email from the State informing me that my application for certification (like a license) for my State massage permit has (finally) been approved.  ! ! !  :)  It has been months, and they are months behind in processing.  I was starting to panic.


I'm thankful that while our bedroom faces North/Northeast, now that the sun is really up i can enjoy the sunlight on the green trees with a background of white clouds and just a little blue sky (we have a storm passing over and have gotten a small amount of rain). 





402

Blue skies and green trees

I could look at our deep, deep blue skies and our green, green trees for hours on end. 






If it looks as tho i'm reposting pics you've seen before, i am.  I had not realized (or paid attention) to the fact that Google will only allow you to load so much space before you are "full."  I hit "full" recently and it would not allow me to load any more.  I went thru my "albums" and removed a lot of pics.  But if i remove pics from the albums that i've posted in a blog, that pic disappears.  I didn't want to do that.  Unfortunately, i've loaded the same pic in a couple of times and i don't know which one is "safe" to remove.


I don't want to purchase more space from Google, at least not at this time, so i'm not loading in many new pics because to do so will make me "full" again before long.  

I'm so thankful that we live in "wide open spaces."  Orange County is just too crowded for this country girl!  Of course, we have to work there a couple of days a week so we can afford to live in the "country."  We don't really live in the country, but it feels more like it here than in the real city/suburbs.  


I'm thankful that Duane is able to be part of the Search and Rescue team here.  I'm thankful that he enjoys it so much.  I'm so thankful that they appreciate the skills he brings to the job.  


I'm thankful that we have so many blessings.  I'm thankful that this afternoon i'm able to go assist packing boxes to be sent to needy children for Christmas (tho i must admit i'm a little anxious, too, as i don't know the folks there and i'm not as skilled at socializing as Duane).  I'm thankful that when i called to see what they still need to fill those boxes i was informed that they really have all they need already, but they DO still need funds to use for mailing the boxes.  So rather than expend my energy shopping for something, i'll be able to simply donate the funds i'd set aside.  Easy.  :)


I'm thankful for all the wonderful folks i've met online.  Even tho i'm somewhat home bound with my limitations and i'm not very confident at socializing, blogging, blog reading, and other internet activities still give me the feeling of being involved.  I continue to be so thankful for all of you who share your lives with me and take the time to comment.  :)



401

I've a confession

I ate really poorly when we were in OC this week.  Stuff i'd normally never touch.

You see, it is like this:


For several years now i've been eating largely vegetarian (pescatarian literally as i still eat some fish) and gluten free.  Recently i've been leaning toward low carb/no grains, and very limited fruit (tho really struggling to live with that).  Then the doc did a bunch of expensive (out of pocket, not covered by insurance) tests that told me i also should not eat eggs, tomatoes, navy or pinto beans, lettuce, milk, mushrooms, and a few other things.  I look at that list and say, "As a vegetarian, what is left?"


Of course, there are lots of other things left, but they are not things that i would choose to eat, frankly.  I will admit that i really don't like food all that much.  It is, for me, the means to an end:  Not to be hungry.  I will admit i like sweets, but over all, if i'm not hungry, i'm not thinking about food.  I tend to be someone who prefers something fast and quick that will alleviate my hunger, rather than thinking of something "good."  


Simply, I DO NOT LIKE EATING.  Which, i think, is what got me into some of the mess i'm in now.  As a former anorexic (tho never an extreme one), i really messed up my body and my metabolism.  


So, i spent 5 weeks trying to follow the diet that the doc recommended.  However, after five weeks (of averaging probably 800-1,000 calories every day), i was hungry all the time, and had not lost one pound of weight.  It is true that my goal is not primarily to lose weight but to be healthy over all.  However, i hate my weight, would like to lose, and if i saw the scale moving downward, it would have given me some motivation to stay on this (very stupid) diet, even if i'm always hungry.  

I also discovered that even tho i still eat fish, i don't really like it.  I eat it a couple of times a week because i feel i need the protein it provides.  I eat mostly salmon and on occasion tuna.  But since my diet is so limited, i thought i should try other fish as well.  It was in eating it more i find i really don't like it. 


After 5 weeks i was very, very discouraged.  And it made me wonder, just exactly what was the blood test checking?  Almost certainly the milk/dairy they checked was conventional, pasteurized, Holstein (possibly hormone/antibiotic-laden) not raw, Jersey, organic.  The eggs probably came from a mass-produced factory farm where the hens are fed nasty feed and a lot of antibiotics.  Et cetera, et cetera.  So what exactly was i reacting to when those tests were done?  The food itself or the contaminants it contained?


More, now that i'm on a more restricted diet, everything seems to cause gastric distress, gas, and bloating for me.  I make a meal of "allowed foods" such as roast carrots, beets, parsnips, and potatoes, and not only am i still hungry, i'm really suffering for the rest of the night.  The same with squash.  About the only thing i've been able to manage without a lot of distress is frozen, organic peas or corn.  However, i know both of those are very starchy veggies & generally not recommended.

The whole situation is enough to make me want to cry just writing about it. 

Some wise friends suggested i talk to the doc about probiotics, enzymes, and possibly some gastric acids to help me digest what i was eating.  But my appointment isn't with him for a couple of more weeks (my fault i rescheduled for later).  So in the mean time, i had the doc i work with check me.  He does testing differently.  He does a functional test called kinesology.  His test did not show that i'm responding poorly to eggs, etc.  He DID say that he feels my thyroid (primarily) and my adrenals are off and messing with my digestion, and that i need to do a candida-clearing diet.  Which means no beans (green or dried), no peas, no carrots, yams, potatoes or squash,  no sugars, - including the Manuka honey i'm taking to clear the other infection.  


I look at the list of what is left, and simply want to throw my hands up and give up entirely.


Which is exactly what i did this week for Tue, Wed, and Thur.  I ate fast food.  Yep.  The absolute worst i could do.  I didn't care.  I did not over eat, either, but i gained 4 pounds in those 3 days.  You know what?  The fast food did not cause gastric distress.  It did cause my pain level to rise, and that was irritating, but i did not have the bloating, gas, and intestinal pain i've had with organic veggies and roots.  I am NOT saying it was good for me. 


I'm back on track of the restricted diet now, and back to being hungry all the time.  I have no idea what the right choice is.  I do think i have messed up my body's ablility to absorb nutrients.  Yesterday i went to town to a salad bar i like.  It is not organic, but largely i can choose food i'm allowed.  I followed all the dietary restrictions the first doc gave me (no lettuce, tomatoes, eggs, vinegar, vinegar-containing items, etc.).  When i left i could feel that my stomach was full, but frankly i still felt hungry.  Something is simply not right.  


This morning i'm nauseous as well.  And i don't have much motivation to eat as i know that i will likely still feel hungry and have gastric distress.  I'm tempted, right now, to do a few days of fasting and simply use supplements to try to get the nutrients i need, as eating doesn't seem


I'm pretty discouraged.


Not much for my 400th post.  Sigh. 





400

Another Day

And i'm thankful.  While i may never be a mama or a grandmama, i just realized a couple of days ago reading Jo's Blog that i'll  never be a mother in law, either!  :)


I'm thankful for the folks who are willing to read my words and respond back.  :)  I try very hard to answer comments, but i don't always manage.  I appreciate when folks answer back from comments i make at their blogs, 'cause i know then that they care.  I tend to (still) be a bit shy and assume that if they don't respond at least occasionally, that they really don't care to hear what i've got to say.  


I'm thankful for clean sheets on my bed.


And a large stack of firewood outside, even if much of it still needs to be cut.  


I'm thankful for a Friday with nothing planned so that i can rest.  I'm thankful that we were able to harvest some pine nuts from our trees.  And i'm thankful that even when i'm resting/watching TV that i can knit so that i still feel somewhat productive.  I'm thankful that i enjoy crafting and can keep myself busy that way.  And i'm thankful that i enjoy reading and my eyes are still sharp enough that i can do that!





399

The Unimaginable

(This post is on childlessness - again.  It is not intended as "poor, poor me," but you are certainly welcome to skip reading if you don't want to hear me beat this poor, dead horse again.) 

Today, Ree at The Pioneer Woman wrote this post titled "Kewpie."  It is about how her second son was an unplanned baby, but that she is so glad she has him & can't imagine her life without him.  (I believe that 80% of the comments also speak of "my fourth was an 'oops' but i am so thankful to have him/her.")

And i realized that what i'm struggling with is the unimaginable.  I can't imagine our lives without our children, yet, here we are.  I can not imagine my life without children.  

But, evidently it is what i'm going to have, and so i just don't know the pattern to create with this.   What template do i use to shape our lives as a family of only two?  

It is not like a family who now has an "empty nest" for those people have grown children to visit and grandchildren or the hope of them for the future.

This young man is Duane's cousin's baby.  He is 2 months older than our Kaylee would be.  (Now 4-1/2.)

 I've posted these pics before.  I'm always holding someone else's baby.  This is my sister's (Larkin's) oldest child, Ellen.  Ellen just had her first baby 3 weeks ago.  


Many children have imaginary playmates.  I had imaginary children.  When i was 16, i had a six year old daughter named Joy and a 2 year old Janet.  (I could even share pics i drew of them.)  I also had a family that i cared for their 2 boys regularly.  When Joy and Janet were 6 and 2, Jacy and Jeff were 4 and newborn.  I so much wanted to be a mama, and to have a full family.




I feel like i still have imaginary children.  Our Kaylee would be 4-1/2 now.  Where did the time go by so quickly?  I can see her very clearly.  She's got blonde curls and bright blue eyes.  (I actually prefer straight hair, but her daddy had the curliest hair as a child.  Also her Aunt Loren had very, very curly blonde hair.  Aunt Loren's hair never got very long.  I'm assuming that Duane's sister Loren is caring for our Kaylee in heaven.  She died a few years before i met Duane.)  Kaylee is growing to be so tall and slim and isn't a baby any more.



The last child i lost was 2 years ago when the doctor's wife was expecting their first.  I lost that one when she was just thru her first trimester.  She is expecting again in late May or early June (tho they have not officially told folks yet).  



I have always believed that if i was just patient enough, that if i just waited with hope and belief, children would come to us.  I'm past that now.  It has been 2 years.  I believe i'm on the cusp of starting menopause.  My last cycle ran 70 days and i never even did a home preg test.  I had no symptoms and no hope that i was pregnant.  



I began doing something a couple of years ago.  It began with the best of intentions.  When i saw someone pregnant, or with a baby or very small child i would say to myself, "This is not going to happen for you.  This will not come to you.  We are not going to have children."  It was an honest attempt to help myself to accept life as it is.  



This is not the advice to follow if you believe in life as in "The Secret."  They state you have to have positive thoughts and expect "the universe" will give what you ask.  Bunk.  That is not how life or the universe or God works.  Things happen.  Things don't happen.  Circumstances can knock you over.  Life is simply unfair.  I'm not sure i've better hope of the life to come.  



Anyway, as well meaning as my attempt was, it backfired on me.  Tho i never, ever voiced this out loud to another person, my thinking of, "This will not happen for you . . . etc." eventually developed into a whiny rant.  Say the above with the whiny voice of a spoilt 3 year old and you'll know just how i sounded.  



I do NOT want to be this way.  I do NOT want to live my life this way.  I don't want to be a dried up, disappointed, vinegary old woman.  I do not want to live my life looking back on the children we might have had, yet i seem to tend to do that. 




It has been unacceptable to me that we won't have children.  Past Christmases and other holidays i've thought of the stories we want to share with our children in the future and the holiday rituals we want to incorporate into our lives.  Baking cookies and making ornaments and decorating.  Christmas ornaments i want to save and pass down to them.  



The "passing on" of items seems to be a big thing for many people.  Many of the things i make and use are things i would like to give to someone, to pass on to someone who remembers and likes those things.  Who will want those things?  Does my life have any value if there is no one to follow me who appreciates anything about my life?  



Please understand, i'm not whining right now.  No matter how it may sound, i'm not saying "Poor, poor me."  I have so much and am so very richly blessed.  I have so much that many, many other people would envy my possession of, not to mention the wonderful relationship i have with my husband.  



What i am struggling with at this point is, i had a pattern, an outline in my head of how our lives would go, the direction we would take.  Not a detailed plan of course, because life doesn't follow a detailed plan.  But a pattern none the less of the shape our lives would take when we had children.  


It has become obvious, however, that children are not going to come.  The pattern i had is shredded, and i've no idea what to put in its place.  


This is coming up, largely, because of the coming holidays.  There are family issues going on which may make joining in family celebrations difficult.  We have always joined Duane's parents or the larger family for Christmas Eve and reserved Christmas Day for our own celebration.  However, for the last 3 years that "our own day" has been very empty.  I don't know what to put in its place.  



When i first moved to California, i thought that i could find other "transplants" and folks without family with whom to spend holidays.  I have not found this to work very well at any time.  Early on, i was bitterly disappointed more than once.  I've not ruled out this possibility, however, my California experiences lead me to believe most folks already have people with whom to celebrate.




I've read of other childless (or often calling themselves "childfree" but i don't think i'll ever be there) couples go on fantastic vacations over the holidays.  Frankly, i just can't see that we'll ever do this.  We've only taken one trip that i consider "vacation" in our 7 years together, and that was our honeymoon.  All other trips have been to visit friends or family.  So i just don't see us going off on some unusual (expensive) trip.




This year has the opportunity to be different, of course.  N's family may join us for some holiday celebration at some point thru the season.  I might borrow her daughter and bake cookies.  Or her sons to make gifts.  I hope it is the start of many such years, whether with her family or another.  I do look forward to that.



Still, i just do not know how to create a full life sans children.  In search of a new pattern that may not have been created yet!  Some people would see this as a great adventure, the opportunity to forge a new path that few others take.  

We may try and find somewhere to volunteer on Christmas day.  I know Orange County has many places where they serve a holiday meal.  I doubt Big Bear has such, but we certainly can check.






398

Today

I'm thankful we are going home.  Thursday is always a  joy because we are going to Sugarbear & our cats & our "regular" lives.  Two + days in OC is just . . . passing time until we go home.  :)

When we get to the top of Onyx summit, we sing,

Sugarbear . . . Sugarbear . . . Sugarbear . . . Sugarbear!
Sugarbear, aren't we lucky?  Sugarbear we're coming home!

Of course, sometimes Duane adds in other funny lyrics. 

I'm also thankful that we have the money to pay our bills.  I wrote the checks for them yesterday.  We are going to be tight for the next week, but we had the money for them.  :)  In the current economy, that is a big deal.



397

I'm Thankful . . .

. . . that yesterday i spoke of voting rights.  Because i really don't like the results of the election.

How on EARTH could we have voted Barbara Boxer in for another term?  That woman has already been in the Senate for 24 years!  Why can't people see that if we don't research alternatives, if they only vote for Democrats or Republicans, only vote for the folks that the media highlights, NOTHING will change?


Ok.  I can't fix the world.

But, for a smile, friend Peg posted this at FB:  During his 1956 presidential campaign, a woman called out to Adlai E. Stevenson, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!"  Stevenson called back, "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority."

Sadly, there were very few thinking persons voting in CA yesterday.  

I'm in physical pain, more than i've had in a while.  Probably my own fault because i was discouraged with food choices and ate things that were not good choices.  


I am grateful for a flexible schedule, so that when i'm having a hard day it isn't too difficult to take a morning off.  I'm thankful that i CAN work, that i love my work, that it gives so much more back to me than i give.  I'm thankful that i work in an office where i can "trade" work with the doctor and not have to pay out of pocket for frequent chiropractic adjustments.  I'm thankful he is trained in other therapies that are helpful, too.  I'm thankful i work in an office that holds what i do in esteem. 



396

Election Day

I tend to be rather "hot" on politics.  There is much in this country that i do not like and wish could be improved.  That said,

I'm thankful that i live in a country where i can vote.  I'm thankful that i have the freedom to state my opinions, even if they are harsh.  I'm thankful that we have so many opportunities here.  I'm thankful for free access online (not restricted by government control) to search and research information on many topics, including candidates.  


Hope you had a chance to vote today, if you live where folks are voting.  (And i hope that together we can effect a change.)





395